Gift Giving Guy

Crystal ball gazing. Detective work. Espionage. Gift recon. These are all metaphors to convey the subtle mind reading game that is choosing gifts. But what about the direct approach? Why not simply ask my wife, “Honey, what do you want for your birthday?” Then go get that present.

I would argue for the element of surprise, the reward of effort, and the value of thoughtfulness. Still, underlying these defenses is an unspoken norm that you just don’t do that.

But I stumbled on a comment on Ask MetaFilter that made me see these approaches in a different light. Some people, like my wife and me, were raised in a “Guess Culture.” (You watch for hints or match interests with what you guess the giftee will like.) And some people were raised in an “Ask Culture.” (You flat-out ask what gifts can you give.)

From tangerine at Ask MetaFilter, responding to a woman’s direct request to stay in an acquaintance’s New York City apartment.

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture.

In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it’s OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won’t even have to make the request directly; you’ll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you’re a Guess Culture person — and you obviously are — then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you’re likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated.

If you’re an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.

Obviously she’s an Ask and you’re a Guess. (I’m a Guess too. Let me tell you, it’s great for, say, reading nuanced and subtle novels; not so great for, say, dating and getting raises.)

Thing is, Guess behaviors only work among a subset of other Guess people — ones who share a fairly specific set of expectations and signalling techniques. The farther you get from your own family and friends and subculture, the more you’ll have to embrace Ask behavior. Otherwise you’ll spend your life in a cloud of mild outrage at… the Cluelessness of Everyone.

I will stick with my tiptoeing and divining gift clues, but it’s interesting to see a different perspective. Are you inclined to guess or ask for gift ideas?