Gift Giving Guy

I want to give thanks for Thanks! Psychologist Robert Emmons explores the power of gratitude through research and anecdotes in his book, Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Why should we practice gratitude? Being thankful boosts and sustains happiness, inversely correlates with depression and strengthens our social ties. Here are ten quotes from Emmons that focus on giving and gratitude.

1. On gratitude’s meaning
   “Gratefulness is a knowing awareness that we are recipients of goodness. In gratitude we remember the contributions that others have made for the sake of our well-being. On the recipient side, we acknowledge having received a benefit, and we realized that the giver acted intentionally in order to benefit us. On the giver side, we acknowledge that the receiver was in need of or worthy of the benefit, and we recognize that we are able to provide this benefit. We cannot be grateful without being thoughtful. We cannot shift our mental gears into neutral and maintain a grateful lifestyle. This is why gratitude requires contemplation and reflection.”

2. On perceiving gifts in your life
   “If good things really are better when received as gifts, this could be one way that gratitude directly contributes to states of happiness. Grateful people are more likely to perceive things in their lives as sheer gifts and to spontaneously use the language of being ‘blessed’ and ‘gifted’ by life.”
3. On feeling grateful
   “To be grateful means to allow oneself to be placed in the position of a recipient — to feel indebted and aware of one’s dependence on others. For some, this acknowledgment of dependence might make them feel out of control and unhappy. Additionally, gratitude has an obligatory aspect. People are expected to repay kindnesses, and, sometimes we rebel against the expectations and dislike things we are ‘supposed to’ do.”
4. On gratitude and happiness
   “Research from a number of different areas in psychology has shown how humans have an amazing ability to adapt to their ongoing circumstances. Yet one need not be a slave to the law of habituation. Adaption to satisfaction can be counteracted by constantly being aware of how fortunate one’s condition really is. This is exactly what a practice of gratitude should accomplish, consistently reminding one of how good one’s life really is.”
5. On the perils of gift giving
   “The act of giving and receiving a gift can be fraught with a widely diverging assortment of perceptions, psychological states, and conflicting emotions. The dynamics of giving and receiving, the relationship between donor and recipient, perceived motivations of each, and their prior histories in similar situations influence the degree to which gratitude is felt, as well as the way gratitude is expressed. Sometimes gifts bring joy, at other times they come with pride, and, if certain circumstances are present, they can also bring envy, hatred, greed, and jealousy.”
6. On faking gratitude
   “Because gratitude is a secondary, more complex social emotion, we have learned ways to feign it when necessary and also conceal it when needed. I recall the Christmas that my first wife’s grandmother gave as a gift to all the men in our family the same plaid polyester cardigan. Try as I might, I could not visualize wearing this family uniform in public. Yet of course the correct thing to do was to express my thankfulness to Grandmother, which I dutifully did. There is evidence from research that observers have the ability to correctly infer true emotional state from the voice at a much better rate than chance. Across a number of studies and different emotional states, the average accuracy reported is about 60 percent. I can only hope that on that particular Christmas morning, my acoustic cues did not give me away.”
7. On comparisons and gratitude
   “When we look around and we see students with harder bodies, coworkers with larger retirement portfolios, relatives whose children are more grateful, neighbors whose SUVs are larger, we feel resentment and envy, not gratitude. We find ourselves employing the language of scarcity, focusing on what we do not have, rather than the language of abundance, appreciating what we do have. The lesson here is that we need to choose our comparisons wisely. Epicurus wrote, ‘Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.’ Gratitude is the realization that we have everything we need, at the moment.”
8. On gratitude and memories
   “Our identities are closely tied to significant life memories. One could even say that we are because of what we remember. Gratitude is the way the heart remembers — remembers kindnesses, cherished interactions with others, compassionate actions of strangers, surprise gifts and everyday blessings. By remembering we honor and acknowledge the many ways in which who and what we are has been shaped by others both living and dead.”
9. On generosity
   “Gratitude is a duty that ought to be paid, but that none have a right to expect, said Rousseau. True generosity that comes from the heart comes from not expecting rewards. A gift is not a gift when strings are attached.”
10. On words to live by
    “If I had to pick one person to go to for advice on how to live, it would be Brother David [Steindl-Rast]. His advice is simple, but profound. Wake up, be alert, be open to surprise. Give thanks and praise — then we will discover the fullness of life — or rather the great-fullness of life.”