Gift Giving Guy

Dr. Gregory House keeps his tradition for Christmas gift mischief in the December 9, 2008 House episode, “Joy to the World.” Here are a couple of my favorite House moments.

Taub (to House): You’ve got a Christmas present.

Kutner (reading the gift card outloud): “Greg… Made me think of you.”

House grabs his wrapped gift from Kutner and throws it in the garbage can.

House: That’s funny. It usually explodes after I do that.

***The mystery present is a rare medical text that Wilson gave House as a Christmas present last year. In the lunch line, Wilson confronts House for never opening his gift. House takes Wilson’s ice cream bar from his tray.

Wilson: You had my present for a year and didn’t even open it?

House: I had no way of knowing there was an expensive book inside.

Wilson (walking back to replace his ice cream bar): Completely meaningless prank, even for you.

House: Stealing your ice cream is a completely meaningless, albeit delicious, prank. Observing my team’s reaction to unexplained phenomena could have been pretty useful.

Wilson (paying for lunch): Of all the ways to mess with people, why give yourself an imaginary present?

House: Have you checked the prices for fireman strippers lately?

Wilson (walking his lunch tray to booth): Yes… The holidays — they’re hard for you.

Both sit.

Wilson: I get it. You see people around you giving and receiving gifts. Having sustained, meaningful relationships, and since you can’t, something your subconscious makes you create the appearance of a gift. Sad.

House (nibbling on ice cream bar): You really passed your psych rotation?

Wilson: It’s too bad you can’t just be nice to people. You could get a real present that way.

House: If I wanted gifts, I would just look deep in my patient’s eyes and act like you: “Oh, I’m so sorry you’re dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course, I’ll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I can make up for —”

Wilson: You’d just wind up insulting her. Perhaps by calling her Mrs. Moron.

House: Right. Because I’m physically incapable of being polite.

Wilson: Being kind in a sustained, meaningful way? No.

House: Oh, I get it. You’re trying to get me to prove you wrong. Then I’m gonna be nice to all my patients all through the holiday season and then Mr. Potter won’t steal Tiny Tim’s porridge. I’m totally on it.

Wilson: Yeah. That actually is what I’m trying to do… And the pathetic part is, it’s not gonna to work.

House (quietly serious): You’re right. I’ve got to stop being such a jerk.

House steals Wilson’s other ice cream bar and walks away.